Saturday, December 09, 2006

Lorenz Is So Wrong, Yet So Right!

Lorenz is surely the trashiest act to score a UK top 40 hit this year. Everything about Lorenz is so wrong, yet so irresistible to a tragic bitch like me. The cheesecake covers are gloriously tacky, his euro-dance sound brings back memories of the "Venga bus" and his nude billboard publicity whoring surely makes him the Sabrina of the naughties! And then there is the cherry on the top - the fact that Lorenz was discovered at an all male Kerry Katona!

According to Lorenz, he is "massive" in Italy. Strangely, my Italian friends have never heard of him. Anyway, if he's not massive in Italy - he should be. This kind of talent comes along once in a generation! I'm not the kind of person to spread unfounded rumours - who am I kidding - but there are rather loud whispers that Lorenz also has an alternate means of income as a male escort. Lorenz, if this is true, I volunteer to test out your services and write a detailed review. I'll even do it for free! Knowing my luck, he's probably married with 5 children.

I guess I should drag myself out of the gutter long enough to mention Lorenz's camp musical output. Lorenz kicked off his English language career with a cover of "Turn The Beat Around". It's not exactly up there with Gloria Estefan's cover or Dannii's pseudo cover ("Perfection"), but I love it! Cheap synths, poor production and reed thin, accented vocals - HEAVEN! Lorenz followed "Turn The Beat Around" with "Set Me Free", his UK top 40 hit. The homosexuals must have been out in force that week because this shit is camp. It's more soulless dance. I can't get enough of it! The other notable thing about "Set Me Free" is the disturbing cover - Lorenz is an attractive man but he has been so airbrushed on the cover that I initially thought it was some kind of digital animation. What went wrong?!

Lorenz is best enjoyed as a visual experience, so check out the cheap but cheerful videos for "Turn The Beat Around" (the dancing is so gay, it brings tears of joy to my eyes!) and "Set Me Free". Thankfully, Lorenz does not appear to own a shirt! Lorenz also appears in various states of undress on his website.

Say hello if you share my passion for all things Lorenz! I'd love to know just how "massive" he is in Italy and what his Italian material sounds like. Oh, and if you've hired Lorenz, tell us if you got enough bang for your buck!


Raoni said...

OMG, I'm so happy that I found out about your blog... I can't stop laughing... i will add you to my blog links!

I can't believe somone trusted Kerry's advice and hired this guy... it's so terrible... but I can't stop laughing.

MaryCherry said...

OMG he is so unbelievably shit... I love it!

Trash Addict said...

LOL - I'm glad Lorenz has made an impression. I found this article about his discovery:

When Lorenz performed his version of Gloria Estefan’s 'Turn the beat around' at the Rhys Daniels Trust Gala ball in Marbella in June, he had no idea that fate was about to deal him a life changing card. Kerry Katona happened to be sitting in the audience and was so impressed by his effect on the ladies and performance that she insisted on introducing him to Music industry executive, Nick Fleming. Four days after the introduction Lorenz had a record deal and was in the recording studio. Lorenz has admitted he is “eternally grateful” to Kerry.

I'm with you, Raoni - I can't believe anyone listened to Kerry's musical advice! Anyway, I'm glad someone did because Kerry obviously knows what she's talking about!

Thanks for your kind comments, I'll link you up too :)

Aaron - I knew Lorenz would be right up your trashy alley!

Robpop said...

I saw many a Lorenz advert on the back-end of buses last year. How I wish I'd taken a picture of the post-post-feminist moment in time and space.

Personally I find Lorenz offensive. Only because he loves himself. Which is good in a L.A kind of way but he knows that he is good looking. FACT: he is related to Sakis and Petra Andrex.*

Musically however I'd buy his album, if he releases it, in a second-only because he must be the nearest thing to a male Dannii Minogue. And my whole life has been hoping for Brandon Minogue to go into music. Alas, Lorenz is the closest thing to that horrific dream of mine.

He is not massive in Italia. Those loud whispers were pretty much confirmed when some pop mail-out shared his advertisements/prices/activities with the rest of this world. Didnt they point out that he charges more for women than for men?

Kerry is an icon. If it wasnt for her we wouldnt have had Heidi of the Range and Atomic Kitten. She might be selling chicken drummers these days but back then Atomic Kitten were fucking ace.

* I cannot back this claim up with any evidence.

Trash Addict said...

Thanks for the Lorenz info! LOL at his escort pricing.

I love Brandon Minogue, he's such a nice guy. However, he's as likely to release a disco album as Tony Blair. He's so introverted. We'll have to make do with Dannii and Lorenz!

I'd love a Lorenz album. I know he's shit but that's never stopped me before. He should record a duet with Kerry! I wonder if he's released anything in Italy...

Anonymous said...

Lorenz is peddling an inspirational meditation cd that's said to be a "journey to your chakras" or something. This does not compute. It's not like he's Olivia Newton-John and can pull off that shit.

Trash Addict said...

LOL - I'd love Lorenz's inspirational CD. Where is he selling this ticket to enlightenment? Lorenz just gets better and better - a Euro-trash man-whore come spiritual leader! If he gets any more fabulous I'll have to start stalking him.