Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Cunts Of The Week - Girls Aloud

Girls Aloud are a pack of dirty cunts. To celebrate this undeniable fact, the nasty skanks have the honour of being my third "Cunt Of The Week", after Z-share and myself! I don't want to offend the army of desperate queens who worship the cum-soaked ground the "girls" walk on, but enough is enough. Girls Aloud are rubbish and I can't hold my tongue any longer!

I'm not irked so much by the fact that the five sluts are rubbish (a glance at the rest of this Blog should make that pretty clear), rather it is their complete lack of personality, the monotony of their musical output and their deluded posing as "pop pioneers". Bitches, please! The Pussycat Dolls have more talent than the lot of you and only one of those skanks can sing! The most annoying thing is that I should love them. In theory, the idea of five unattractive, anorexic chavs who mime along to re-hashed Xenomania tunes should be incredibly appealing. I should be beside myself with delight at the stories of Nadine fucking Z-list celebrities in aeroplane toilets and Sarah telling a crowd of music industry execs that she really considers herself to be a "rock chick".

Instead, I can't look past their pathetic attempts to be taken seriously and the disdain with which they cover classic songs as a marketing exercise. Their destruction of the Pointer Sisters' "Jump" was brutal. However, that looks like a loving tribute in comparison to their hatchet job on Tiffany's 80s classic "I Think We're Alone Now". Did any of the five cum receptacles even bother listening to the original? They have turned Tiffany's adorable ode to misunderstood youth into a Euro-trash spectacle that makes Cascada's offerings seem like genius in comparison. And then, there are their fans.

Heaven help me, but I'm going to go there! Pop Justice used to be my place of spiritual worship on the net until every second post was devoted to these whores and their previously holy forums became a meeting point for effeminate 12 year old boys to carry out conversations similar to this:

Kimberley4Eva: OMG Kimberley iz tha hottest!
Nadine4Life: LOL - Soz, Nadine iz so much hotta.. hehe :)

This kind of behaviour has spread across the internet like a virus. Who are these people and can they please fuck off? When did looking like a praying mantis in a mini-skirt become such a highly prized skill?

OK, my rant is almost over. I just thought I would demonstrate that literally anyone could do a better job at covering Tiffany. Have a listen to The Smurfs sing "I Think We're Alone Now" and realise how painfully mediocre Girls Aloud really are.


Robpop said...

I think we've just had twins. Can you see i barely mentioned the girls in my girlband post. I did like the song Girls Allowed tho but that was a track they did outside of Xenomania. I liked the scummy lyrics. I identified with the wanting a big cock inside of me rather than a man who drives a flash car part. Written by the guy who was in Westlife and porked the the Dulta/Katonah. respect.

Trash Addict said...

I want your babies!

I just don't get the GA phenomenon. I'd take Clea, Young Divas, the Nanas and No Angels(hell, I'd even take Girlband or Sister 2 Sister) over them any day.

I haven't heard the song "Girls Allowed" but it sounds a bit more lively. I have to say if past experience is anything to go by, I'd go for the cock too!

Anonymous said...

I must say as a DJ I hear absolute shitloads of crappy promo's all the time, and I find over time I have been able to pick the stand out tunes or ones with potential after just a few moments of hearing it.Some unmentionables who were trying to promote this raved about it before I had heard it, and when I did, "Fuck me!" I had to sit down.My sixth sense warned me it could possibly be shit,(yet another bit of pop cheese cover from "Almighty Records",I just can't put into words how rediculously useless this remake is.It lacks substance, it's flat as a fucking pancake.Usually I will keep dancefloor "fodder" in the pile in case someone requests it (heaven forbid),But I simply refuse to let them make me look bad by risking a public spin.Honestly, I loved them when they first emerged,I feel for them, I really do!This s a direct result of the marketing pimps and producers, and to them I say,This one is going in the box in the shed marked "Shit I will NEVER Play!"Cheers,DJDeeds.

Trash Addict said...

Hi DJ Deeds! Nice to hear from you again.

I totally agree with your sentiments about I Think We're Alone Now. It's a fucking disgrace! And this is coming from someone who imported Amanda Lear's album of cover versions into the country!

Robpop said...

*Has children and then sells them to madonna*

Now back to subject. The track Girls Allowed is symbolic cos it also was given an almighty remix and had real possibility of pushing the band into Spice Girls land. Sadly they went with some ballad and that okayish cover of Jump.

Don't get me wrong, i like the band. But i dont see all the whoopla over them. Then again i dont quite like Sugababes either(other than Heidi of the Range but thats because shes from the Mersey). To me bands like Clea do it much better with much lesser funds.

As for the track Girls Allowed....its brilliant. As i said before its written by the guy in WestLife but dont let hold you back. As you can see in this very special CD:UK performance its utterly brilliant. Both as a song and on stage. Also note the trackies and the chavtastic hairstyles. This was the nearest thing Girls Aloud reckoned with the hectic stage antics of Spice Girls/Bananarama and for this we've got to recognize its brilliance.

To me i get whispers of Spice up your Life, Wannabe and Say You'll Be There. Pure girlband bliss:


djdeeds said...

Please please, if you have it, you MUST put up Amanda Lears "No Credit Card" It's a fucking gem! What is most amazing about this single are the lyrics printed on the back of the cover of the "12, in fact I will now go through my boxes of old Italo and search for it and get back to you with the exact lyrics, trust me you'll piss yourself.They're so fucking bad you can't help but love it.
Merry Christmas, and yes, there are other people that exist that hold great admiration for the likes of Amanda Lear.Thumbs up to all the trashy gems of the 80s.And to all those fucking SPIDERS in skirts, they deserve all you have to throw at them! We were clubbing when they were sucking mummies nipples, so fuck em'!They've had a good ride, but as far as I'm concerned they fucked up.For sure now they just come across like cheap tarts even if they're not, and all the RIGGED charts in the world can't save them now.
A sporting bet: They're downhill from here, let's watch and see.

Trash Addict said...

Rob - I can't believe the freak that sticks it up Dullta wrote that gem!!

If they released that kind of material on a regular basis, I would be one of their army of deranged fans. Unfortunately, they have released too much filth like "Something Kinda Shit", "I Think We're Alone Now" and their hideous Pretenders' cover. Don't get me going on "Jump" either - I'm touchy because I worhship the Pointer Sisters!

PS. Please don't sell our babies to Madonna, she'll just threw them in the rubbish if she can't find the shoes to match. I say we give them to Jordan & Peter instead!

PPS. Can't wait for the Aus girlband countdown on DSTP!


DJ Deeds, another Amanda fan! I've wanted an MP3 "No Credit Card" for ages. I love Hi-Energy Amanda! It's one of her weird Italian singles that never seems to appear on any of her 20 million compilations. I've often wondered if it's on her 87' album. The song must be from the mid-80s...

GA can just fuck off. I don't mind them most of the time, it's just the constant frenzy on the net that does my head in. I hope they all turn into fat lesbians and release an album of Samantha Fox covers.

PS. I'd love to read the lyrics to "No Credit Card"!