Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Melissa Tkautz - Easily Affected

Melissa Tkautz is the reigning queen of the Australian pop trash scene. Yes, Melissa is even trashier than Dannii Minogue! It's hard to describe the depths of my Melissa adoration. She epitomises all that is great about manufactured pop music - a reed thin voice, a TV soap background, public scandal and plastic surgery. In other words, this bitch is HEAVEN!

For those unfamiliar with the Melissa saga it goes something like this:
  1. Melissa lands a role in the 1990s soap opera "E Street" and like every other actress at the time, tries to do a "Kylie" by launching a pop career.
  2. To the surprise of just about everyone, Melissa's debut single "Read My Lips" is not only a great slice of 90s pop - it also manages to top the chart and become the highest selling Australian single of 1991.
  3. Melissa follows up "Read My Lips" with the camp anthem that would become her signature tune - "Sexy Is The Word". "Sexy Is The Word" was also a top 10 hit and it looked like Kylie had an unexpected pop rival.
  4. Unfortunately for Melissa, everything started going to shit. The other releases from her debut album did not achieve the same level of success and her attempt at a more "hip" 90s dance sound resulted in the wonderfully hilarious, floptastic "Is It".
  5. The next decade saw Melissa's career plummet to unexpected lows. Melissa did manage to snag a short lived role on another soap opera and get some publicity when she developed an eating disorder and had huge breast implants.
  6. Melissa hits rock bottom - as a regular on the Sydney gay scene. No, not as a performer, but as a spray tan operator for the Body Bronze solarium chain.
  7. Melissa crashes through rock bottom and keeps on plummeting when she becomes the spokeswoman for a disreputable pre-mature ejaculation medication.
  8. Things begin to turn around when Melissa hires Penny Clifford, a former celebrity drag queen, as her manager. She records a new record, has more plastic surgery, mortgages someone's house to make a video and stages her comeback with a cover version of "The Glamorous Life" - which returns 'Lissa to the top 40.
  9. Melissa follows up "The Glamorous Life" with "All I Want". Unfortunately, despite being rather brilliant, it flops, as does the album "Lost & Found".
  10. Melissa dumps her transexual manager, who throws a rather fabulous public tantrum about the split, and her comeback looks to have been over before it began.

That was, until Melissa announced that she was going to release another album in December. Not only is she releasing a new album but this time around Melissa has worked with some quality producers and the result is a cracking first single, "Easily Affected", which was released last week. The single missed the top 50 but it is good enough to climb the charts or at least stir some interest - if anyone bothers to promote it. The producers behind "Easily Affected" are the same team that crafted Kate Ryan's trashtastic "Je t'adore" and if this is any indication of what to expect, the album should be a winner.

You can watch the hilariously cheap video for "Easily Affected" on youtube. I will never be able to catch a train at Martin Place ever again without feeling Melissa's sublime presence! Enjoy:

I'll upload some Melissa for your listening pleasure in the near future. If you like what you hear, please support Melissa and buy the single from - The girl needs a hit - she's getting too old to be spray tanning homosexuals on Oxford Street!

PS. Here are the videos of Melissa's breakthrough hits:

Read My Lips:

Sexy Is The Word:

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